all the things I should’ve said. – E.

Brendon,

I’ve wrote this a couple times, and can never seem to word it right, so if this is all wrong, feel free to ignore it. It just hit me that nothing good’s ever came from me hiding how I felt, and we both deserve the truth. The truth is that I think you’re just about the best person in the world, and despite everything, I’m still in love with you Bren. So I’d be lying, really, if I said anything other than I didn’t realise how much you meant to me, and I’m sorry it took me so long to catch on. 

And if you’re okay with just being friends, well then that’s fine too, but I’m not.  Not because I don’t want to be, or that I don’t care about losing you, because I do, but I can’t put you in that position, and I can’t put myself in that position anymore either. And I don’t think it’s fair on either of us if I said I could ever honestly be friends with you. I don’t think I can stand by and watch you make a life and a family with someone else, and be honestly happy for you without thinking “what if”, and we both know we deserve more than that, for ourselves and each other. If you want some time to think about everything, then I’ll leave you to it, and if you don’t want to speak to me again, then I understand too. I wish it hadn’t come down to me having to tell you like this, but I just honestly can’t do it anymore. We can’t just keep going round in circles Bren, or at least I can’t, because in the end, it’s me that ends up hurt.

I haven’t exactly asked you about your feelings on the subject, and I often think it’s too late to change anything, but at least for me, it isn’t too late. And if you ever find yourself thinking about me too, then you need to know. Because you deserve the truth Bren, and before it IS too late, before either of us move away, or have more kids, or get married. You’re kind and caring, and sometimes I wonder if you think you deserve less than you do, but it doesn’t have to be like that.

I know I don’t have any right to ask anything of you, Bren, please don’t think I am, and I’m not going to sit here, trying to convince you to love me back against your better judgement either, all I’m asking for is the truth in return. I’m sorry I ever let you think otherwise, and somehow life just got in the way, but that isn’t what I want any more. I want you. And I want you to know that there will always be a place for you here with me, exactly as you are, and whatever comes with that… but only if you want it Bren.

 

Love, Emma.

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all the things I should’ve said. – E.